Overcoming Shame: The Challenge of Breastfeeding While Working

I put my baby Summer down for a nap and rush to the other room to jump on a coaching call. Thirty minutes later, I hear her cry. Oh no … she’s supposed to sleep for at least an hour!

I run to get her and bring her back to my computer. She’s crying so I put myself on mute while I get her to latch. She’s only 2 weeks old.

While breastfeeding, I find myself having trouble concentrating. I feel like a babbling idiot. I’m embarrassed. Afraid of what she’ll think of her coach. Trying as hard as I can to keep my focus.

Is this the new norm? Will I be able to continue running Sistership Circle? What will they think of me?

Call after call this happens, each time feels just as embarrassing.

With my first child, Kali, I didn’t have this problem. I created two compartments … motherhood and work had well-defined boundaries.

But this one is proving to be more difficult to manage. Perhaps it’s because she was born smaller and wasn’t ready for a schedule. Whatever the reason, I simply can’t create the separation that I was able to before. And it fills me with guilt and shame.

Guilt that I’m letting the women down. That I can’t give them my full presence. That I’m somehow failing them.

Shame that I’m doing something wrong. That babies don’t belong in circle or at work. That I am failing myself.

This feels like my biggest vulnerability. I feel messy. I feel incompetent. I feel exposed.

But …

Isn’t this what I’m here to teach? That you don’t need to be perfect as a leader. That it’s ok to show up messy. That you shouldn’t hide who you are or what’s going on in your life when you facilitate circle.

This is my life. I’m a mother of two Littles. I work from home. I breastfeed.

Society has conditioned us as women to separate motherhood from work. To cover ourselves and be afraid to breastfeed in public. To hide our vulnerabilities.

So I called it out. I shared how embarrassed and ashamed I felt. I embraced this edge of vulnerability. And I was met with compassion and acceptance.

On a circle call when I had to start breastfeeding, one of the women thanked me and told me how it gave her permission to be herself.

I realized that so many women in circle were mothers and completely understood what I was experiencing. I was not alone.

In fact, I was modeling feminine leadership, what it looks like to show up in your authentic vulnerability and still make it happen. This is what it looks like to run a business while raising children. This is what it takes.

I still have a subconscious fear of dropping the ball and disappointing everyone. But I won’t let it stop me. It’s only through the action of showing up despite the fear that will make the difference.

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