One of the biggest themes for me over the past month has been around CONTROL.
I went into the dark the last couple days, down rabbit holes into conspiracy theories, finding myself getting angrier at the feeling of being manipulated and controlled by the media and government.
So many conflicting stories. So easy to get caught line and sinker.
I have felt so uncomfortable in my rage. Really, it’s been blazing hot in here since January.
And then I remembered my intention for 2020, the words TRUST.
“Don’t shoot the messenger, get the message,” Michael Brown’s words echoed in my head.
It really doesn’t matter what’s going on our there externally in the world.
It’s all an external reflection of my internal state.
I’m seeing what I want to see. I’m seeing the world according to my point of view, my lens.
It’s my choice.
And you may be having a completely different experience, based on your lens.
What this means is we have control over these things:
what you put into your body
what you listen to
who you surround yourself with
how you spend your time
So I did the Feminine Freedom Method on myself to dig deeper into this rage, to really see what’s underneath it.
It’s so deep. And it feels so real.
It feels like a cage around my heart.
It feels like I’m trapped.
It feels like I’m getting socked in the gut.
It feels terrifying.
It reminds me of times when I couldn’t get the last word as a child.
It reminds me of feeling like I couldn’t win with my parents.
It reminds me of being trapped in the backseat, no where to go while caught in a fight with my brother.
And then deeper, it feels ancient.
It reminds me of women being separated and forced into hiding. Circles busted up.
It reminds me of women being burned at the stake.
It reminds me of the church destroying Mary Magdalene’s gospel.
I can feel myself going numb, wanting to check out, wanting to hide.
I can feel the overwhelm rising up.
I can feel myself wanting to isolate, push everyone away.
And so today I went searching for something to pull me up and out of this downward spiral.
In tears this morning, I went for a run to break up the tension in my chest.
I gave myself permission to just feel it after breakfast.
And then I came onto the computer and remembered a video I made a few years ago. A few months after my trip to Avalon, one of the most defining moments of my life.
I was talking about taking leadership to the next level and living in the world of fulfillment.
And the words felt like they just kept crashing into me …
Get comfortable being uncomfortable.
Freedom lies in the growth zone.
Get vulnerable and ask for support.
Expand your capacity to hold more.
This feels more relevant now than ever, given the dire circumstances.
This is a massive initiation, forcing us out of our comfort zone.
It’s a wake up call, asking us to get clear on what really matters.
Initiations and Wake Up calls suck. They can be brutally uncomfortable if not downright devastating.
But the loss of something is creating space for what wants to come through.
Death is just part of the life cycle. What’s next is rebirth.
That is what’s happening here.
The struggle will be in the resistance, the need to control the outcome.
How quickly can you pivot, and shift your mindset and attitude to choose the growth zone, no longer clinging to the comfort zone?
That’s why I believe it is more important than ever to step into leadership and start a circle.
Community is essential.
Sharing in a sacred circle of women is essential.
Opening up is essential.
Being honest about what you’re feeling is essential.
This is indeed the time to choose what’s essential.
This is the time to hold the light for women worldwide.
This is how we reclaim our power, our collective power in the midst of social anxiety and angst.
I’m holding the light for our collective. Will you join me?