I’ve had trouble with my relationships with men ever since I can remember.
I grew up in an environment where I was exposed to a lot of verbal, emotional or physical abuse of women. There was no #metoo movement nor a “stop violence against women” type of movement at the time.
Everything was kept a secret. It was swept under the rug. So, I grew up afraid to trust men, afraid of the sound of my voice, afraid to speak my truth, afraid to be me and afraid to love. Everything I did in connection to a man or related to masculine energy such as taking action was timid. I took steps to move forward in my life, but always hidden behind a veil.
While I had worked through some deep core issues/challenges with a therapist, a coach, and utilizing various healing practices as an adult after my divorce to my son’s father, there was still something that lingered within me.
This thing kept me from attracting and being in a committed relationship that truly honored and mirrored the real me. And this was impacting my business and my life.
I am a coach who empowers women to live their most passionate lives. But how could I help other women to be in the relationship of their dreams if I wasn’t in one myself? How could I teach other women to love themselves and their lives more deeply if I wasn’t truly loving all the aspects of me and my life?
I felt like a fraud. While I had a good career, I didn’t feel fulfilled. I attracted great men, but I hadn’t attracted a man who was desiring to commit to a long-term relationship. One who was worthy of me and the real I of him. I also had a decent part-time coaching business, but it wasn’t thriving. Everything was mediocre and lacking something. It had that blah feel. I even became so numb to things like the ending of a relationship whether it was with a man, a friend, or a client. I had no pulse, no passion and no zest for life.
I was just, dare I say it, existing.
It was in circle that I realized what was preventing me for fully loving, fully trusting, fully allowing me to be me and fully embracing someone into my life. “The thing behind the thing,” as I like to call it.
It stemmed from my relationship with women.
Their beliefs impacted mine about men and relationships with men:
“men are dogs, they only want one thing”
“men are all cheaters”
“men are stronger or better than women,”
“women in power are just like men”
“women who are successful usually do something sexually to climb to the top”
These beliefs that I have heard over and over again settled into my brain and formed my own beliefs about men and being in relationship with men.
In my mind, it wasn’t just a war of men against women. It was a war of women against women. I call it a “war against women” because what I learned was that we have been our worst enemies.
It was the love, openness and support that I felt through Sistership Circle that I realized the deeper pain that I experienced as a child, adolescent and young adult. That for years the women I have known have spoken so negatively towards men, relationships and being a woman in power. It was through circle where I learned that there were parts of me that I didn’t yet fully embrace. The parts of me that made me a woman – the power of my vagina, my sexuality, my voice, my vulnerability, my feminine beauty and the pure strength in my creativity and intuition.
In sacred circle I began to understand that I didn’t feel fully confident in myself or secure in my own skin throughout my life. I felt like other women were more powerful or successful than me because I hid so much of me. It kept me from expressing my truth and being who I am.
It was in circle where I kept cracking my heart open. I became more vulnerable, sharing my secrets and my emotional messy (feeling, releasing and expressing my disappointments, pain, hurts, anger, etc.).
It was in circle where I felt supported to believe what I want to believe about men, relationships and successful women.
And it was in circle where I attracted my life partner, the one who beautifully mirrors the truth of me.
This is the reason why I circle. Because it’s about time we tear down those veils and reveal who we really are and love all of it.