What To Do When You Are Feeling Off Before Your Circle Starts

Last weekend, I led a retreat for our Mastery of Circle Leadership program and I was a mess. Exhausted from breastfeeding a 7 week old and sick from my toddler catching every germ at pre-school, I didn’t have much capacity to lead the weekend.

There are going to be days when you just don’t feel like showing up. But you have to anyway.

That weekend, was an epic fail in many regards. But it is only failure if you don’t get the lessons and turn them into opportunities for growth.

Here’s the top three things I did wrong and the lessons of what to do when you are feeling “off” before your women’s circle starts:

Epic Failure #1: Ignore the underlying root of the symptoms

Whenever we aren’t feeling well – with physical symptoms of illness or not — there is always something underneath the surface. Your job as a transformational facilitator is to do the deeper digging and get the root of your symptoms first before you lead.

I did not do this. I ignored the contraction in my gut. I didn’t ask myself the question: what are you avoiding? I didn’t get myself clear.

If you are experiencing any symptoms of disease or distress in the body, chances are you’ve got something going on that you need to clear … and if you don’t, it will show up in the participants of your circle.

The best way to clear is to find a colleague or friend who is also a transformational facilitator and clear with her. Empty your basket by sharing all that may be related … all your withholds, fears, doubts and worries. Allow her to ask questions and help you dig.

And then take whatever actions and have whatever conversations you need before you step into sacred space to be fully congruent with your intentions for the circle.

Epic Failure #2: Act like you have it all together when you really feel like a mess

I didn’t share with the women on the first day that I was coming down with a cold. In fact, I didn’t set up the container at all on that first day. I made assumptions that the agreements were in place and the container set since this retreat was part of a larger program. I acted as if everything was fine when it wasn’t. I put on a mask to cover up my symptoms, thinking I would bare through it and soldier on. This completely blew up in my face. There was a lack of vulnerability and connection. The energy was low. And no one said anything because I didn’t speak up. They mirrored my (lack of) leadership.

Instead, I could have started the weekend with vulnerability. Even if I didn’t clear, I could have shared that I had something in my space and was sick as a result. I would have then given everyone permission to be messy. I would have then invited authenticity into the space.

Epic Failure #3: Stick with your agenda no matter what

I had a plan and I stuck to it … despite the lackluster energy and feeling like something was “off.” I didn’t check in with the group, didn’t ask what their expectations or intentions were. I was disconnected from myself and from them.

Instead, I could have started with setting intentions and went off agenda to deal with what was real in the space.

I could have even ripped up my outline at opening circle to demonstrate servant leadership: serving their needs over my own agenda.

Ultimately, while the retreat was “off” as a result of me feeling off and not expressing it, it served as a powerful lesson of what not to do and how to manage ourselves as leaders when we’re having a human experience. Because at the end of the day, we are imperfect humans with blindspots not to be put on a pedestal. What makes a great facilitator is her ability to take responsibility for her actions and lead from vulnerability, calling herself out when she finally catches herself in her epic failures.

You are bound to make mistakes so the question is: how will you learn from it?

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